Boundaries Between Couples – Should Couples Face Each Other or Face the Same Direction?

A former client of mine, with whom we spent some time together years ago, reminded me of something I’d said to her in one of our sessions. She sent me a message to ask me to bring it up. It’s about whether couples should face each other or face the same direction. In other words, where should our personal boundaries begin and end with regard to our partner? I thank her so much for bringing such an important matter into focus.

Both as individuals and as couples, we exist in a network of relationships. Relationships are like breathing, they mend tensions and losses we encounter naturally in life. When we fail to feel good in our role as a parent, child, partner, sibling, or friend, we become lonely and experience problems; we choke as if we couldn’t breathe. Especially when the other party is our partner, we are more readily thrown off balance.

Why Are There Problems With The Boundaries Between Couples? How Should They Ideally Be?

So, why is that? Why do we feel bad? The main reason is that our boundaries are not clear. When our feelings of worthlessness and shame combine with the difficulties related to our need to be approved and loved, our boundaries get disconcerted. Our boundaries start with how aware we are of our needs and wants. It’s about the way we stand up for our needs and wants – and how strongly we do it – when we disagree with the person we face. The most fundamental source of problems is that we have lost our bond to our personal and collective unconscious and that we have forgotten how to build relationships from our core self.

What we go through from the moment we’re born damages our relationship with our core self, so we gradually forget to build relationships from there as we grow up. Sometimes we hide, sometimes we take offense, our sensibility diminishes, and we may end up not knowing what we want because of anxieties and fears. This inevitably causes problems in our relationship with our partner; which will eventually take their toll even if they don’t manifest themselves yet. Studies show that couples take 6 years to seek help after having felt the need.

True and satisfying relationships are only possible when they are built from our core self. In a wholesome life where the boundaries are clearly set, we can both express our feelings, wants, and needs as an individual, and make room for the other parties in a relationship to do the same.

Boundaries Between Couples and Stan Tatkin’s Hug Exercise

At the beginning, all loving relationships start with looking at each other. You don’t want to see anything else. You may drift apart from your friends or put your career on the backburner. This has to change after a while – because you need, both individually and as a couple, to feed on the outer world. In other words, in time, you will start to look into the same direction. The range of our visual field is fairly large; we can both see and feel our partner at our side and see the other side and in front of us.

Meanwhile, you have to keep in physical touch to keep your connection with your partner. You can hold hands, link arms, or wrap your arm around their shoulder. As life doesn’t always follow a smooth and straight path, one of the partners may have to let go of the other’s hand at times. In such times, the one who can must hold onto the other so the other one can hold on to them when they have to let go. Such life events as death, sickness, or bankruptcy require us to turn our gaze toward your partner. In times like these, where they need you, you would focus your attention and care mostly on your partner, you would make watching over them your first priority.

I recommend Stan Tatkin’s Welcome Home Exercise to my clients as a very helpful practice. It also constitutes a nice example regarding the issue of boundaries. In this exercise, the partner who comes home from outside announces his or her arrival. And the other partner must drop whatever he or she is doing and come to the door to greet the other partner with a hug. They stand in an embrace in full body contact without saying anything. They stand like that in silence until they are completely relaxed. Notice that these two people have separate lives; if they were looking at each other, they wouldn’t be able to do this.

People who are participating in “A Meaningful Life and Meaningful Relationships” workshop in Dalyan next weekend will experience connecting with their personal and collective unconscious, building relationships from their core self as they did as babies, understanding themselves, and being really heard, understood and accepted. They will gain ground in setting healthy boundaries. If you are interested in joining, you can e-mail me at terapi@irembray to start your registration process.