Communication With Adolescents Top 5 Questions Parents Ask

For a lot of parents communication with their adolescent is a major problem. There are many reasons for this, not only are your child’s hormones and body changing but he, or she, is having to rehearse for adulthood with the mind and experience of a child. Often as parents we are not prepared.  We fall back to doing and saying things our parents did with us. But those were different times, they do not work in the same way!  I will today answer some of the common questions parents ask so that you can facilitate your adolescent’s passage to adulthood.

Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0) image:Joel Gillman

The Chinese have a proverb: “He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.”  Einstein too, sometimes reflected upon the importance of being curious and spending time in order to ask the right questions. Trying to answer the wrong question is like looking for your lost item not where you lost it, but where there is light. This takes you nowhere!

I believe the fifth question in this article is the one which stands out among others.

Parents and children will have their own agendas because they are separate people at different stages of development. A parent child relationship is hierarchical by its nature and the parents have both authority and power over children.  In order for communication to be possible we parents have to allow our children’s voices to come out and be heard. By answering the common questions parents bring I will describe ways in which parents suppress their child’s voice unwittingly, and how you can reverse this situation and improve on your communication with your teenage children.

Question 1- My adolescent does not come home when they are supposed to. They are untidy, their room is a mess. They talk back. They are rebellious.

How can I teach them to be more responsible and respectful?

Adolescents need to redefine their relationship with their parents in order to individuate.  If your adolescent is rebellious you are on the right track.  Over-obedient adolescents may not achieve healthy separation from their parents.  This might lead them to suffer from mental health problems as adults, such as avoiding conflict, inability to perform in public, depression, etc.

Young people do not learn anything simply by you trying to teach them. You can only show them by providing an example with your behaviour. Parents usually attempt to teach responsibility and respect by giving advice.  Often advice comes with predictions of disastrous consequences.  For example I hear parents say things like ‘You must be tidier, you are so messy no one will want to live with you.’  or ‘You must learn to live within the rules, I doubt if you can maintain a job with this attitude.’  This is like cutting their wings as they are experimenting with flying. The adolescent will roll their eyes and either ignore or talk back.  They may show their anger if they feel safe enough.  Giving advice will be disempowering you and your child both.

Such comments are harmful.  Even though the adolescent might seem not to take any notice they would internalise your views and always wonder whether what you prophesied might come true.  It will be very difficult for them to be anything other than what you suggested. It’s almost like a curse.

When giving advice is ineffective parents tend to resort to harsher measures such as chastising, abasing and other forms of punishment.  These forms of verbal and physical violence have terrible consequences for the adolescent’s personality.  She, or he, might get addicted to food, internet, sex, drugs, become pregnant, choose a violent partner, and almost certainly suffer from general low self-esteem.

You need to be aware that adolescents are both children and adults.  They will make mistakes and you will need to set boundaries for them to push against. This is your job, just as it is their task to test your authority, strength and resolve.  As you approach them with respect so they will with you.  You need to teach yourself to be respectful of your adolescents’ growing individuality.  They need space both physically and emotionally.  You need to let them grow apart from you whilst being available whenever they need you.  You need to let them make their mistakes, and witness and support them in learning from their trial and errors.  Your attitude to their struggles impacts on how they develop into adults.

When their child is in pain some parents get even more upset than their child.  These children become very protective of their parents at their own expense. This interrupts the growth of their ability to be focused on what they want and they need.  They learn how to relate others through relating to you.  For these adolescents the other people become more important than themselves.  That is why you need to remember you are the adult in this relationship and stay calm, strong and fair.

Responsibility is like a muscle you learn to exercise, the more you practice the better you become at it.  You need to be able to let your adolescent take decisions.  They will make mistakes sometimes.  When this happens, and they suffer, you need to be stronger than them by staying calm and supportive helping them to recover and make sense of what has occurred.

You must understand that condemning their mistakes is like saying I cannot cope with your pain.  You show them you are weak when you say ‘I told you so’, when you label them as stupid, lazy, incompetent, clumsy, inattentive and sometimes treat them like an unwelcome visitor. This is how they learn not to talk to you about important matters.

They will learn from the results of their actions.  Remember to praise their efforts in whatever they do even if the results are not perfect or below your general expectations. You need to communicate your trust in them that they will bring out their best eventually and that is what matters.  Their best being really their choice of ‘best’ not what somebody is expecting them to be, even you.

Question 2 – I cannot reach my adolescent; they do not talk to me, they are in a world of their own.  What can I do?

Moving away from the childhood means moving away from the influence of parents, relatives and their social groups.  This will mean we can expect our adolescent to be spending less time with us.  We need to adapt to the changing needs of our child.  The distance between us will have to change.  They will want to spend more time with their friends and they will want to develop their own social context.

If you are, however, one of those many parents who hear their adolescent say ‘You do not understand me!’ this might be due to repetitive misunderstandings between both of you.  Maybe  when they speak with you your response seems to be too harsh or irrelevant, they might feel intimidated or unwilling to communicate?  There are other reasons why an adolescent will close themselves off completely. Are you comparing them with others? Are you talking in bad terms about people they care for even when if they share problems with them?  How might you like to initiate a conversation with somebody who is likely to criticize you, give you advice when you do not ask for it, or, compare, badmouth your friends and say ‘I told you so’ when you are getting on with steadily learning about your place in the world?

Another error we frequently make is to attempt to solve our loved one’s problems.  I know what I am suggesting is counter intuitive but you must stop offering solutions.  If you are to relate to your adolescent meaningfully you need to open yourself to listen more and talk less.  The aim of your listening would be to understand and share, not to solve or give guidance when you are not asked. If they ask your help that is different and you should use such opportunities wisely by checking with them the level in which they want help and ask for feedback afterwards in what ways your help was useful or not.

I help parents to accept and be comfortable when their teenagers are becoming different than them.  Being different is a resource for the healthy development.  In fact the stage at which your child reaches adulthood is when they can think and act differently from you, both with authenticity and integrity, and not feel guilty about it.  We need to keep this healthy outcome in mind whilst checking and adjusting our attitudes accordingly.

I suggest that parents welcome the influence of other non-blood related family members on their adolescent such as aunts and uncles who join the family by marriage.  These relatives by complementing the family culture offer a safe alternative closer to home.

Question 3 – How can I approach my adolescents growing sexuality? How can I protect my adolescent from drugs and other sorts of addictions?

This one is a very big and important question.  All medical research and public health data show that when young children want information, advice and guidance they turn to their parents first.  However during adolescence they turn to their peer group, Internet and others more as sources.  Therefore you need to start talking to your kids about such matters as early as possible and not wait the adolescence.  Kids are exposed to tough issues they are unable to cope with at increasingly early ages we need to be able to talk about such topics age appropriately from age 3 years upward.

Take this opportunity to provide reliable information that represent your values and principles before they are exposed to some other source you don’t agree with. Through answering questions as well as proactively telling about how their bodies will change as they grow, and the proper conduct on how they will relate to friends and family and other adults you will be to preparing them for the next stage and protect them from harmful interferences such as child abuse, introduction to drugs, etc.

Adolescents want to move urgently away from being dependent whilst at the same time fearing the unknown limitlessness of moving beyond parental control.  We know this from our own experience of growing up.  However young people have more fears and anxieties than we had and they are lonelier as a result of living in a more complex world.   We also know that the more parents communicate openly with their adolescent the less likely that they will complicate their lives with addictions or unplanned pregnancies.

One of the most common mistakes I observe parents make is the way they use fear, shame and humiliation in what they imagine to be discipline.  This blocks effective communication leaving children unprepared for challenges in life ahead.

With the best intentions people can damage their children. They compare their kids with others, often criticising and using humiliation in attempts to create respect. Such improvements that seem to be achieved are based upon fear, and are likely to be superficial.  The two biggest risks from these approaches are that your child may resent you, and at the same time also blame themselves for not being a ‘perfect’ child you can love. They are more likely to underperform academically and in some situations may even develop a variety of serious mental illnesses such as eating disorders, obsessions, depression, phobias, etc. Some, unable to cope with all of this, could even be driven to attempt to kill themselves.

Question 4 – Their academic achievement is lowered.  How can I help them to choose and move towards the right career?

I observe many parents attempting to fulfil their dreams through their children.  These kids grow to be utterly unfulfilled adults; some of them are brave enough to change their career path later in life.  Some come to therapy in order to distance themselves from the path their parents have chosen on their behalf.

This happens because the parents are unable to perceive their child in their uniqueness, a different individual than them.  As a result they cannot provide a safe space for the adolescent to develop a voice of their own.

You must understand that you belong to a different era than the days when you were brought up.  The world changes at an incredible pace.  We have no certain way of knowing what is best for our children.  They probably will not know either and will look up to you to tell them.  However you must refrain from attempting to dominate their minds, not only because it is harmful for both of you but also because you are doomed to failure. To attempt to do so will limit both their search and discoveries. You need to observe, listen to your adolescent and respond in an age appropriate way.

I sometimes talk about emptying ourselves from our own preconceptions and the judgmental beliefs society about the criteria for success and happiness.  I see this as the window in the wall through which the light can enter. New possibilities for our children may only arise when we can shield them from our own oppressive voices, as well as some elements of education and society!

Question 5 – How can I help my adolescent to be happy and fulfilled?

This, to my mind, is the most valuable question.  All the previous questions are covered within this answer.

Learning to bring up a child requires us to look at ourselves, our beliefs and attitudes about the world very carefully. Be prepared to question and change with the world.  If you have not already started this process you will certainly need to do this during your child’s adolescence.

Your adolescent will naturally rebel against rules and authority figures.  At the same time they need trustworthy, strong examples.   These provide a sense of reference and respite when coping with the limitless intimidating world when their path away from childhood becomes too challenging.

The body of the adolescent is activated beyond their control in a very short period of time. Spots, growth-pains, effects of the hormones on their body and mind can be overwhelming. Your adolescent will be driven by emotions rather than logic.  They need you to provide them a safe bridge-like environment upon which they can walk, one foot from childhood the other toward adulthood.

In order to help your adolescent to prosper you need to be a very good listener.  Just like they were when they could not talk at the age of 1 they will be frustrated as they do not have the language to put their struggles and needs into words. So you need to be patient with them.

Your calmness, confidence, emotional stability, respectfulness, strength and availability for them will create the trust between the two of you to communicate in meaningful ways. You also need to be extra careful not to use the information they have given you against them.  Do it once you lose their trust forever!  Building trust with adolescents is hard but loosing it is very easy. So you really need to be aware.

Here is a list of concerns your adolescent is likely to struggle, with which will need some reassurance and guidance:

• Their fears, pleasures , anxieties
• Bodies , the stages with which their body will evolve in the next years.
• Perceptions,
• How they are understood and not understood
• Adulthood, their future plans; you can facilitate conversations on their expectations of themselves.

I hear parents  come to conclusions such as ‘the trouble with you is  you don’t persevere, you are lazy’ accompanied with a tirade of criticism disguised as advice often spoken with anger.  Some reject their child by saying ‘I don’t want a fearful son, you wimp!’ hoping that their child will have more courage as a result of being put down, ridiculed or shouted at.  Some side always with the other party at the expense of their child without knowing the facts ‘If they excluded you, you must have done something to deserve this, be nice to them.’

You also need to encourage their search for identity.  Your child needs to belong to different groups, pursue different activities.  This is how they will be learning how to be in adult world not in the teachings in the school. Their tools will be their observations and experiences they had with you as parents and how you relate to the world.  Your adolescent will learn what to be from the opposite sex parent and how to be from the same sex parent.

She, or he, will experience difficulties in groups, sometimes moving away from a group or an activity.  Or they might be avoiding attachments and activities all together.  In all cases it is important to understand what is happening, without labelling the behaviour or forcing the child toward a certain action.

Here is how you can be a good listener.  when you adolescent is talking to you and how you can keep the conversation going:

• Control your initial emotional response such as anxiety, anger, label or criticism and continue listening. Make sure your body language is also reflecting this neutral attitude.  Stop what you are doing and make eye contact before speaking.
• Do not attempt to solve problems, because being listened to will frequently help your adolescent to come up with their own solutions for the worlds in which they live, such as school, and the local community.
• Be aware of your judgemental attitude not only towards your child and their friends but towards others as well and change it. Harsh, rejecting comments may trip your adolescent into mental illness.
• Observe the emotional tone of your child. Think about what your child really needs to hear from you? When they ask your contribution start with stating your observations without any trace of criticism and ask if you got it right.

This simple feedback will help your child to recognize their emotions and calm them down; they can move their thinking and feeling forward more easily.

Even when you disagree with your child be gentle in your approach; the last thing you want for them to feel inadequate, unsupported o r even offended.

You can achieve this by asking questions such as ‘What were you aiming to achieve with your friend when you told him off?’ ‘Did it work?’ ‘What would you have preferred to have done instead?’

Or you can make comments such as ‘I understand how you have lost your temper, I wonder what can be done now to repair your relationship with your friend.’

When you adopt these communication skills you will find that your adolescent will approach you as a resource more often and in more meaningful ways than you have been used to.