Men in Relationship Showing Interest to Other Women
Last week an ex client asked me to write about what I think on the subject of men in relationship showing interest in other women. It took me a long time to process this title as it refers to a rather sore subject for me as my grandparents divorced after I was born with the involvement of another women. I thank you for bringing up this important subject and share some of my thoughts.
Free Will Questioned
We often believe that we have free will and our actions follow our conscious decisions. However recent studies show that we act before we think; and only later we explain what we do with our reasoning. This finding has very far reaching consequences. If you and I don’t make our decisions for our actions who or what does? Who holds the reponsibility for our actions? How can we operate as a society if we are not in charge of our own decisions and actions? Even though the answers to these questions are widely debated I would like to concentrate on the subject of attached men and their interest in other women. Can’t the men control their behaviour?!
Generic (CC BY 2.0) ımage: Georgie Pauwels
Man’s Brain and Women’s Brain Are Different
We look at men and women, they look similar in many respects but there are overlooked differences that cause problems for couples. Men and women have different brains, Mark Gungor talks about such differences in a perceptively accurate and entertaining way.
Women’s brain is wired for nurturing relationships whilst men’s brain is wired for survival and reproduction. The Selfish Gene Theory asserts that our primary motivation is to spread our genes and that only the genes that are succesful can pass on. According to this theory male and female brains specialised in the way they did because they were the ones who could survive over the evolution of mankind. So men, even though they may be in a secure relationship they may look at other women, and women are aware of this interest and feel protective of their relationship with their partner. This state of affairs seems the norm for the survival of our species. Proverbs such as ‘Men make houses, women make homes’ ‘behind every succesful men there is a women’ ‘boys will be boys’ support this idea.
So far science tells us that men look at other women because of their brain’s structure and chemistry and their control over this behaviour is debated; moreover this behaviour may be better for the survivial of our genes.
Psychology of Men and Attachment Theory
Psychology looks at the situation from a different, somewhat less fatalistic and more hopeful perspective. Us psychologists often think that both men and women experience the need to be loved and cared in a secure relationship although men are often socialised to think that this is not a manly need and that they should not depend or be depended. This is partly due to the process of male individuation requiring differentiation from the mother. Especially because the fathers are often not very present, in their transition to manhood boys look for ways of being different than their mothers.
But don’t you think some men seem less interested in other women than others? How can we explain such individual differences? Attachment Theory explains them in terms of how we were looked after as children, and how we negotiated our needs and wishes with our caregivers. When parents are consistently available to their child they provide a secure base from which the child grows into a well adjusted individual who is comfortable with closeness and intimacy, happy, content and loyal in their romantic relationships.
Socialisation and Traditions
Hence the forces of nature meet the forces of nurture. Society has other methods to impose some order. In some countries the family unit is protected by the law and men’s and women’s so called ‘illegitimate’, meaning non marital sexual contact is considered a crime. Failing that, traditions and social pressure take over. A man who cheats his wife can find himself subject of severe criticisms, can be threatened by acquintences and often rejected by friends and family.
Women’s Role Is Changing
The role of women in the modern world is rapidly changing. Women who invest their energy successfully in the business world and men who choose a more maternal role are on the increase. I am wondering if this role reversal will involve an increase in their interest in the opposite sex. I believe even though women might have as much access to situtions of infidelity as men they will always be less likely to cheat on their partners due to their nature as well as their social conditioning.
Is it Normal Than?
Even though science offers ssome explanation at the cellular level for certain men’s flirtatious tendency even when they are attached, psychology seems to present a more comprehesive perspective to explain the variations we observe.
I believe we may be going through a threshold in our evolutionary adaptation process. What I can say that women are more self reliant and confident than they were in the past. There is certainly more women putting their foot down, showing the limit when it comes to disloyal men. This can be done calmly and respectfully in order to protect each other and nourish the bond between partners. Creating a secure base for each other is always the cure for any emotional and relationship difficulty. I will describe in more detail how to do this in my future posts.