Saying “No” Gracefully

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed it, but some of us find it very hard to say no. Yet we get in trouble because we cannot say no when we have to. I remember the interaction between my parents: My father would say yes to everyone who invited them over on the weekend, then would have to rush from one appointment to another in stress, totally unable to enjoy himself – and he would make it impossible for anyone around him to enjoy themselves. His testy mood would upset my mother, who struggled to soothe him. But the effort would take its toll on her and she would get a migraine. So, our topic this week is why we have to say no and how we do it gracefully.

Why It Is Hard To Say No Gracefully

Your friends are throwing a party especially for you on the weekend. You’re invited somewhere, and another friend of yours wishes you to participate in a project that you are interested in. Even though you don’t want to miss any, you know you won’t be able to attend all of them. You have to say no. What’s more, it’s harder to say no when you might be able to fit it all in by sleeping a few hours less or stealing time from your own priorities or your family.

You may have been conditioned to believe refusing is selfish. Or maybe you don’t want to disappoint the person who’s asking you to do something. There’s also a possibility that you worry about facing rejection or conflict, or not being loved when you don’t give people what they want.

Of course you may really want to say yes to all because many of us want to do much in life and it feels like a shame to miss out on the opportunities that present themselves. Then you would be better off managing to say no temporarily so you can ‘take a rain check’.

Why It Is Necessary To Say No Gracefully

If we say yes to all the requests coming our way we may end up experiencing a high level of stress, like my father did. When we say no we can avoid undertaking loads that we cannot carry. We find it easier to keep our respect for ourselves and our loved ones. It inspires respect in others that we have clearly defined boundaries, so they shape their expectations with regard to those boundaries.

You also have to say no to requests that will prevent you from focusing in order to be able to do your work well, in a timely way and also efficiently.

If you are a parent, saying no becomes even more important, because your spouse and children need you to be there and they need to feel that you value them and give them priority. It’s also important to model saying ‘no’ in a positive way for children. As teenagers they will encounter many situations when saying no may be a matter of personal safety.

How It Is Possible To Say No Gracefully

It’s good idea to focus on clarifying your mind first. For me, this is like putting rocks in a basket. The way I do this is to select the largest rocks I have to fit in first. When I do so, the smaller ones just fit in the gaps in between the larger ones automatically. Ask yourself; “What are my priorities?” Sort your rocks in decreasing order: Your health, your inner peace, your family’s needs, your friends, your job, and your social responsibilities.

Remind yourself of your responsibility to safeguard your time. You don’t need to apologize when you say no. You simply aim at being a person who says yes to the right things at the right time, rather than being a person who says yes easily. When people are used to hearing you say no, they will be more selective with their requests.

We tend to be more compliant with those in authority. Try to be impartial towards everyone with regard to safeguarding your time. In situations where you hesitate or find it hard to say no, you can buy some time by saying you’ll think their request over and get back, instead of saying no straight away. It will be easier to call later to say you won’t be able to participate.

It always works to express your sentiments, especially if they are positive, like “What a great project! I’m really sorry I have to miss out on it, but I’m very busy, I won’t be able to do it justice.” Even when your sentiments are negative, sincerity always enhances a strong relationship, which is a good outcome. You might say “There are some points I don’t approve in this project, I don’t wish to be part of it.” I wish you many candid relationships like that. This is the only way we can feel profoundly alive.