Understanding Infidelity – Questions to Clarify Choices for the Unfaithful Spouse
You have betrayed your spouse, it’s not your fault. Probably outside pressures, difficulties in communicating, or just plain hormones got in the way! But now you have some choices to make. Do you leave your spouse for your alternative lover? Confess all to your spouse hoping that they will understand? Or do you decide to become single and enjoy more choices in your relationships?
You might have been discovered already. If your partner is not aware of it yet, the fear of being found out might be so great that you may want all to be out in the open. You have to ask yourself some questions to clarify your mind. Be honest to yourself with your answers.
You do not need to choose the marriage. But you need to be aware of what you want and why you want it.
- Are you prepared to completely cut off the person you were having the affair with?
If your answer is yes you are very fortunate. You need to understand why the third person managed to come between you and your spouse and focus on improving your relationship with each other. However if you are not willing to cut off your affair you have a bigger problem. Either your marital bond has already been damaged, or you may have some difficulties with intimacy and the affair helps you to be distant from the women, or man, in your life.
- Are you committed to continue with the marriage?
If your answer is yes book a session with a competent couples therapist for yourself and your spouse to work out what went wrong in the first place and how to make it work better for both of you. If your answer is no book individual sessions with your therapist to help you clarify your decisions; when you are, or think you are, in love decisions you may come to regret can occur.
You do not need to choose the marriage. But you need to be aware of what you want and why you want it. You need to explore the consequences of your decisions such as what happens with your children, your car, and your disposable income, in case you choose to move away from the marriage bond.
- Are you willing to explore the reasons why you are involved in an extramarital relationship, what needs were you looking to fulfill?
Whether or not you choose the path of the marriage you need to work out why this affair happened. The superficial explanation may not reflect the real reason underneath. I advice you to explore your motives with a family therapist so that you move away from a pattern of deception in your future relationships.
- Are you taking full responsibility for your action without blaming your partner?
This is an important question. Few people, or marriages are perfect. Couples usually negotiate better relationships, finding ways to be heard and grow together. But once the rule of monogamy of the marriage is broken, unless you entered into a swinger’s contract from the very beginning, an unfaithful spouse looses a lot of their negotiation power.
- Are you willing to rebuild trust with your partner by being transparent and communicating clearly and openly?
If you want to continue with the marriage healing the wound and regaining trust will require your conscious effort. You need to be prepared to be accountable for all hours of the day. You might need to invest in learning how you can improve your ability to communicate with each other so that you can express your needs and wishes whilst you can hear your spouse’s needs and wishes without either of you feeling blamed or criticized.
You will also need to explore new ways of being intimate away from the demands of work and children.
Family therapists, couples counselors and sex-therapists can help you build congruent and fulfilling lives both as a person and as a couple.
Generic (CC BY 2.0) image:Giuseppe Milo
