Is Conflict Healthy For Couples?

I was asked an important question in one of my couple sessions.  The husband had the expectation from therapy that the arguments would stop.  The wife was questioning her husband’s assumption. How healthy is it for marriages not to have any arguments? Today  I explore this important question.

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healthy conflict for couples

Healthy Couples Expect Conflict

When a couple gets together there is the, what I call ‘honeymoon period’. Partners tend to behave naturally with their perfect selves, perceive each other in the most positive light and give the benefit of the doubt for differences.  It is so wonderful to experience being your best self at the beginning of a relationship!

As the relationship matures the familiarity and the time spent together increases.  Each partner’s conscious and unconscious fears, habits, beliefs start to come out.  This normal process can be very disheartening for some who are not prepared for this stage.  This high level of frustration in turn lowers resilience and decreases creativity for managing conflicts.

One of the dangers of idealising not arguing is what we call pseudo-mutuality.  This means as you limit your self-expression to avoid conflict, the relationship loses its sincerity.  Gradually you lose touch with your partner and become estranged from each other.

Therefore healthy couples expect differences to arise, they expect to disagree about a variety of subjects.

Healthy Couples Avoid These Pitfalls in Conflict

When the couples are prepared for disagreements and acquire the skills for managing conflict through inquiry, such as investing in ‘Harmonious Couples Programme’, they are less likely to fall into such patterns as what John Gottman and his team call the Four Horsemen.  Research has shown that 90 out of 100 couples responding to conflict using the following attitudes end up in divorce:

  • Criticism
  • Defensiveness
  • Contempt
  • Stonewalling

Best Practices for Managing Conflicts in Healthy Marriages

Conflict arises from differences when disagreements over values, motivations, perceptions, ideas trigger strong feelings.  Such strong feelings often indicate unrecognised and/or unfulfilled deep personal and relational needs. You may need to feel safer and more secure, more valued and respected or you may need greater closeness or distance.  Here are some skills that will help you manage conflict and enhance the intimacy and mutual trust in your relationships:

  • Keep in mind the safety of the frame within which you will work through your disagreement. This involves never questioning the existence of the relationship. In a safe frame there are no places for threats, insults or punishments either.
  • Knowing yourself is vitally important.  Focus on knowing and accepting your body, mind and spirit’s deepest needs, values and choices really well. Be specific in your expression to your partner.
  • Be aware of your inner conflicts. The world without reflects the world within.

Your inner conflicts would find resonance in the conflict with your partner. This awareness will help you control your emotional state and behaviour.  Stay calm.

  • Recognise it is ok to have conflicting needs and be prepared to approach them with respect, compassion, presence and equanimity. Believe that both of your interests and needs can be met.
  • Listen with your body, mind and soul what your partner is saying with their words and bodies, what their deepest needs are in this conflict.
  • Deal only with one issue at a time.
  • Let go of your need to be right.
  • Focus on understanding before being understood.
  • If necessary be prepared to agree to disagree.

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)image:Soukéïna FELICIANNE

Irem Bray

İrem Bray is a graduate of Bosphorus University Department of Psychology and London University Institute Of Psychiatry. She sees life as a journey of reciprocal discovery and opportunity to share gifts. She develops projects which, starting from the uniqueness of the individual, transform the society in a circular way. She works with her team, using the latest technologies, to train family therapists, and conduct sessions with people throughout the world, especially with Turks and those associated with Turks, to improve systems such as individuals, couples, families and companies. You can now contact İrem and her team at [email protected] or 0090 538 912 33 36, 0044 738 7763244 Contact her at http://irembray.com

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