Divorce and Children How Should Parents Approach Their Children While Going Through A Divorce? Dos and Don’ts…

When one or both of the parents take a decision to get a divorce, a serial process is set in action, including breaking the news to the child(ren), dividing the house and household items, physically ending your life under the same roof, setting up a new life, and reorganizing your relationships. Your child(ren) will unavoidably be affected by the divorce, however it’s up to you and your immediate circle of family and friends how much (or how little) they will get hurt. In this piece, I talk about scientific facts about the best attitudes to adopt and commonly made mistakes.

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Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic (CC BY-SA 2.0) via Flickr

 

Dos and Don’ts in a Divorce Process

Long term studies show that there are 2 things that parents do after divorce that prevent children from growing up to be depressive adults. One of these is the parent who doesn’t have custody staying in the child’s life and not abandoning them, and the other one is the child’s having been given a truthful explanation, suitable for their age, of what’s gone wrong in the marriage.

 

Rule #1: Take your time to decide how much you will tell your child about the reasons of your divorce. Your relationship as man and wife may be coming to an end but your responsibility as parents still remains. At this point, you have to come to an agreement on what information to give to your child. Ideally, the parents should talk to the child together, in a time and manner they’ve agreed upon. However this may not be easy for a couple going through divorce. This process must not be rushed; it might be a good idea even to get help from a family therapist. Your child may have to live away from a parent or suffer a loss in living standards. Your child’s need for trust will increase. While you are doing this talk, you need to try and safeguard your child’s shaken confidence and let them know that they will not be left alone, but they will be loved and cared for, no matter how old they are. Make sure you tell them why you are breaking up, in a way they’ll understand. Make sure they don’t blame themselves for this separation.

Mistake #1: If one of the parties is against the divorce, they may use expressions such as “Your mother doesn’t want me anymore,” because they feel wronged, and thus unknowingly hurt the child’s relationship with the other party.

 

Rule #2: However hard it may be, never put your child in a position to take sides on any matter, under no circumstances.

Mistake #2: You may find relief in sharing your troubles and secrets with your child but you will be poisoning their relationship with the other parent. Emotionally estranging your child from the other parent and leaving them halfway an orphan is the worst thing you can do to your child.

 

Rule #3: Make sure the information and explanations you give your child are suitable for their age. Keep your child’s emotions towards your spouse completely separate from your own – they need to be on good terms with the other parent.

Mistake #3:  Some parents who struggle with personal boundary issues may share private and intimate information with their child which they never should. This could lead to serious problems in the child’s development.

 

Rule #4: Keep your mixed emotions towards your spouse separate from your relationship with your child. Make your child feel that your love and affection for them are unconditional and will never decrease. Allow your child to grieve.

Mistake #4:  Some parents find it so hard to deal with feelings of loss that they keep away from their children because it hurts them too much to see them. Or they judge their grieving children because they cannot bear their emotions. This teaches your child to judge their own feelings and they can suffer from depression or have a tendency to hurt themselves when they grow up. Therefore such parents definitely need to get professional help to protect their children from this trauma.

 

Rule #5: You must set limits for your child and make no concession, so they can tell right from wrong.

Mistake #5: Parents who feel an excessive need to be loved and approved fail to set limits for their children. They definitely need to get help on this issue; otherwise they will be condemning their children to unhappiness and failure.

 

Rule #6: Do not try to deal with your pain through vengeance. Be very careful not to use your child as an instrument to punish your spouse.

Mistake #6:  Unfortunately, we often see parents stop the child from seeing the other parent, or use this as a leverage to threaten their spouse, or spoil the meeting for the child by making negative comments or expressing negative feelings before they go meet the other parent, which are common mistakes.

 

Rule #7: Spend time with your child on a regular basis. If you’ve planned to spend time with them at a particular time every week, be as good as your word. If you can’t make it, let them know in advance and plan a new date immediately to lessen the disappointment.

Mistake #7:  The greatest mistakes that will hurt both your relationship with your child and their sense of confidence are leaving without saying goodbye, failing to communicate with them and showing no concern. Even though the reason a parent would act this way is usually because they love their child so much it hurts to leave them and they can’t bear it, it looks totally different from the child’s perspective; they feel they are not loved or cared for, or even that they are worthless.

 

Rule #8: Try to make sure the people and settings your child is used to, is happy about, or loves, such as their school, their house, their friends, remain constant, if at all possible.

Mistake #8:  The ways you use to financially punish your spouse who wants a divorce, such as unhousing them, to deal with your pain, will make your child feel you do not care for them.

 

Rule #9: Be available to your child and let them know that they can contact you any time they wish.

Mistake #9: Unfortunately, there are many parents who just disappear.

 

Sentences you can use:

  • “We decided not to remain as husband and wife.”
  • “However things are between us now, we’re glad we were together, you are a gift to us from our relationship.”
  • “We’ll always be your parents and love and care for you as always.”
  • “Here is what I like about your father/mother:(…). I respect him/her.”
  • “We married for love. Here is our story: (…)” And you can share nice memories about how you met or about your marriage.

 

Sentences you shouldn’t use, matters you shouldn’t go into:

  • Never say “Your father/mother doesn’t want me,” even if that’s how you feel.
  • You shouldn’t say “How can you still love/want to see/want to live with your mother/father after all that s/he’s done?”
  • “So you are leaving me alone!”
  • Strictly avoid statements such as “Your mother/father left because s/he had enough of your naughtiness.”
  • Statements such as “So you’re leaving me alone!” or “It’s just the two of us now, you have to help me,” would mean asking your child to care for you, even if your child doesn’t act up in the short run, they will eventually reveal their anger for missing out on their childhood in other ways.
  • You shouldn’t share sexual issues that should remain between you as a couple.
  • The secrets your spouse has shared with you should remain with you, you shouldn’t share them with your child or with anyone else.
  • Insults or invectives about the other parent will hurt your child’s development of identity.

 

In short, to protect your children and allow them to get through the divorce process with as little damage as possible, you have to refrain from sharing with them your pain, frustration and disappointment about your marriage’s ending and let them enjoy their childhood without being forced to mature ahead of time. Many parents may not even realize they are making mistakes in the midst of emotional unrest related to divorce. Both parents’ getting help from mental health consultants would allow you to manage the process in awareness, protecting both your child and your relationship with them.

Please share your thoughts, experiences, questions and feedback in the Comments section below. I read each comment and reply.

Irem Bray

İrem Bray is a graduate of Bosphorus University Department of Psychology and London University Institute Of Psychiatry. She sees life as a journey of reciprocal discovery and opportunity to share gifts. She develops projects which, starting from the uniqueness of the individual, transform the society in a circular way. She works with her team, using the latest technologies, to train family therapists, and conduct sessions with people throughout the world, especially with Turks and those associated with Turks, to improve systems such as individuals, couples, families and companies. You can now contact İrem and her team at [email protected] or 0090 538 912 33 36, 0044 738 7763244 Contact her at http://irembray.com

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