How To Overcome The Fear Of Conflict

Healthy relationships need productive conflict to grow. However many people associate conflict with arguments, falling out, losing control and being rejected.  Read on to learn all about overcoming fear of conflict through some concrete confrontation skills.

How are tensions, debates or disagreements on important issues handled in your family? Passionate dialogue around issues and decisions is a sign that family members feel secure enough to think differently and to speak their minds.

What Is Fear Of Conflict

When fear of conflict occurs we pretend in our relationships, there are no problems to resolve. But the fact is that on a daily basis we negotiate the allocation of tasks, the amount of time we spend together, matters of finance and a host of other items.  Often rather than addressing issues directly, we talk to ourselves or others complaining, feeling frustrated about something that has already happened, or anticipating something that could happen in the future.

What Leads To Fear Of Conflict

One of the main causes of  fear of conflict is believing that conflict is synonym with an argument or a fight and might lead to feelings of shame. We think of ourselves as ‘sophisticated’, or in some other way ‘superior’ to conflictual behaviour. Often this belief has its roots in the family, in school or at work. You develop fear of conflict:

1. When as a child you are put down for speaking up.
2. When a parent’s approval is very shaky, their standards are very high, their authority is stern and unpredictable.
3. When you are the victim of verbal or physical abuse or you become the witness to such abuse. Violence between parents, teacher’s labeling, peers’ bullying are examples.
4. You don’t have good role models, you lack knowledge of conflict resolution tools and techniques.
5. You are stuck at a younger emotional age.

Such experiences make you needy for approval and unable to cope with rejection.

The Cost We Pay Due To Fear Of Conflict

Not overcoming fear of conflict has a lot of unwanted consequences:

1. Your relationships lack intimacy because you are not authentic.
2. You bottle bitterness and resentment and explode disproportionately, followed by feeling guilty.
3. Your health will suffer.
4. You will have low self-esteem.
5. You will attract bullies to yourself as you signal that you’re a victim.

How To Grow Beyond Fear Of Conflict

Conflict is unavoidable. However much you may try to avoid conflict you cannot escape it. So you might as well learn the skills to overcome fear of conflict.  After all if you don’t speak up for yourself, who will?  Remember your aim is to let others know why you are upset with them and what you want them to do differently.

1. Remind yourself you are an adult, even if you feel childish or ashamed in some way.
2. Act quickly before building up resentments, when you feel dis-ease, frustration and anger.
3. Prepare in your mind what you will say before starting the conversation. Rehearse what you will say and how you will feel.
4. Pick a time to start a serious discussion. If your partner is already tired, or burdened with other worries, these may need to be attended to before you bring up potentially conflictual matters.
5. Stay calm and non-judgmental. This is very important, otherwise they will refuse talking with you.
6. Talk about what you observe clearly and simply without labeling your observations in emotional ways. One or two sentences based on facts is sufficient. Then listen carefully to your partner’s responses.
7. Make sure you understand them and deliver your request.
8. Stay in a negotiating mode. Control yourself to avoid getting into an argument.
9. Exercise these skills despite the fear, practice makes it easier over time.

Please feel free to implement these skills in your life, share with your partner, teach your children at home and your team at work.

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)image:Tom Hilton