Winnicott and Good Enough Parenting

As a professional psychologist and family therapist I sometimes refer  to the concept of “Good Enough Parenting”.  It is introduced by Donald Winnicott,  He was a psychiatrist who transformed how we think about raising children. In this presentation I draw upon Winnicott’s ideas, based upon his research and experience with thousands of families.  When you relate to your children it’s not possible to be a wonderful or perfect parent, but simply being a good enough parent to them is sufficient.

Generic (CC BY 2.0) image:Steve Slater

Is Good Enough Parenting The Way To A Better Society?

It’s really important that you raise a happy child. How you take care of your baby today doesn’t only shape its expectations and needs in close relationships, but also affects problem solving and conflict resolution skills. According to Winnicott, a society consisting of happy individuals means a more peaceful and better world.

If you decide to be parents, or find yourself in this tough job, you will discover that you’re stepping into a psychological field where your boundaries will be tested and where you will have to improve yourself beyond your expectations.

Your Child Is Fragile

Do you remember when your child was born? How fragile, how needy he, or she, was. That little living being who had no other means but crying to express its each and every need, struggling to survive in a cycle of feeding, excretion, exploration and sleep has little ability to adjusting to your moods, needs and desires. The baby will only develop healthily when its caretakers are able to understand, interpret and meet its needs. You must constantly ask yourself: “Are my expectations from my child realistic? Is this fragile, miraculous being ready to respond to my expectations and demands?”

Do You Have What It Takes To Adjust?

Unless you are attuned to your baby, it will precociously attempt to adjust to you. Weepy, weary, and weak mothers’ babies become cheery, caring children and gradually turn into individuals who take shape to fit the others around them. This may seem good at first, but when they fail to develop their own personalities, always putting someone else at the centre of their motivation and awareness problems can arise. In turn such children frequently become weepy and weary parents, and fail at work as well as in other areas of life. The father is more important than many imagine, especially during the first few years after the baby’s arrival, because he can support the mother and help protect the family from unhelpful interference.

Your Ego May Get Dented

As a new parent you are likely to go from being relatively smartly dressed, end enjoying a degree of privacy and dignity to being puked upon, having to share your body with another demanding being, as well as cope with a string of well-meaning relatives and well-wishers, who bring with them conflicting advice.

Somehow, nevertheless, you must discover and respect your baby’s uniqueness. Fortunately, many find it relatively easy to put their baby’s needs first, even when they are tired. As your child gets older he, or she, will still need your attention. It is from your example that he, or she, will learn how to be in the world. Only by giving and sharing yourself freely with your partner and child will your infant learn how to manage life’s challenges. This means that, at least for a few years you may have to suspend your ideas about who you are, would like to be, or have been told you are, and just get on with being a good enough parent.

Stand Calm In The Face Of Your Child’s Strong Emotions

If you can understand that your child’s negative emotions are perfectly normal, you will let him, or her, express his, or herself. You are the adult in the relationship. Stand calm and strong when your baby cries, or is frustrated or angry. Rather than judge, resent, or be scared, remember that your child is not yet fully developed and has no other ways to communicate. A healthy baby or child experiences feelings of hate or violence when his needs are not understood and met. When you are able to stand calm and firm, you will be embracing and holding him and eventually your peace and calmness will prevail, but it may take weeks or months until your baby develops both neurologically and psychologically. When children know that their feelings are not stronger than those of a parent they will feel safe. Are you able to create an environment of safety by remaining calm in the face of your child’s negative emotions?

Praise Being True Rather Than Good

Compliant, docile children are praised as “good” in society, and this is a problem. The children of parents who react harshly to bad behaviour, disobedience and questioning from a very early age follow the rules but create a ‘false self’ in their children. Studies of human error, such as the analysis of aircraft crashes, shows that over compliance when authority figures cannot be challenged, is a major risk to safety.

When a child’s creativity disappears, just as it did in their parents beforehand, they too may turn into adults who cannot enjoy life, or who have lost their inner vitality. Because we fail to adjust to our children in line with their development, we try to make them “good” prematurely, destroying the capacity to become generous, and kind people.

For this reason, Winnicott prepared over 600 radio programs, gave presentations and wrote many papers and books to explain parents the difficulty and significance of their job. He asserts that the foundations of a healthy society can only be laid down by parents who can put aside their ego, their own needs and assumptions, listen carefully to their child and accept him without resentment. He also asks parents to keep at trying to learn and change even when they struggle, because, he claims, they are as important for a country as the prime ministers and other leaders.

We all know how to look after and love our children, yet through conditioning our natural instincts have become distorted.  We cannot put our own needs and expectations aside when we are with our child. Today our planet is filled with people who may look successful but are often unhappy and scarred. Such men and women can no longer feel “real inside”, but are motivated out of a background sense of fear. Often they communicate this by intimidating others. Even if you are such a parent, you now have an opportunity to heal yourself because becoming a parent is a way to revisit childhood. As you try to create an environment where your child can exist as a unique human being, you too may find ways to be stronger, and more authentic.. Seeking professional support can help you when you encounter difficulties. With the advance in online therapy support is much easier to get than before.