How To Grow Up Without Guilt And Shame

Most of us are not perfect parents and we would probably say the same of our own mothers and fathers. Nonetheless we are all responsible to make the best of the life we live now.  This includes to grow up or differentiating from your family in order to discover who you are, your purpose in this world and to follow a unique personal path. This post is about how to do this without guilt and shame.

We Love Our Families Even When We Think We Don’t

Loving and bonding are natural drives. They manifest easily, effortlessly and automatically. This kept us safe and alive when we were young and dependent.

Eventually we mature and so become conscious of cultural and familial resources as well as limitations.  Then you must adapt if you are to fulfill your destiny.

This means you must take what your family has taught and grow up as you move on.

Some families can be more challenging than others when it comes to differentiation. They may have fears of losing you, they may have predetermined expectations that do not reflect your needs and personality. When this happens one of two options are open to you:  You either rebel or you adopt your parental attitudes and beliefs.

We also know from scientific research that we carry our ancestors emotional traumas in our DNA!  This makes our ability to grow up all the more challenging.

You continue loving your parents even when you may say you hate them, or wish them dead.  Your love can even manifest in an unhealthy loyalty as you develop asthma, panic attacks and other physical and emotional symptoms.

These rarely advance you on your personal path. What happens is you find yourself stuck in a cycle of scripts and counter-scripts. These are life choices that reflect what your parents believed, achieved and failed in their lives. (You can explore more about these ideas of Transactional Analysis of Eric Berne here.)

Differentiating From Family

The release from this cycle of scripts and counter-scripts lies in a script release.

You are born to this family as a seed with a potential, certainly you are not ‘them’.  They are responsible to give you as the seed; the right soil, water, air and sun until you outgrow them.

You are responsible to grow up towards where you can get your own soil, water, air and sun. Good parenting prepares you for this transition, but we live in the world of ‘good enough’ rather than ideal families.

No one can do it for you, no one can give you permission to do it, no one can tell you how to do it.

A Most Difficult Combination To Grow Up From

When your parents are fearful of letting you take risks they may be overinvolved. In this situation if your attempts to differentiate fails you lose a lot of confidence.   Even though these script and counterscript cycles are part of your growth process you may not appreciate them as such.

Moreover you may feel guilty and ashamed for rebelling, for not listening, for being unlike your folks and of course for failing.

The trick is to respect and continue loving your parents with their limitations whilst feeling empowered by your youth and uniqueness, regardless of their approval.

Differentiation is the release of the script. You release wanting to be or not to be like your parents.  Even though you know you have a name and family you are born into, you release limiting your identity with them.

Otherwise you would be like the prisoner who believes their identity is limited to the number they are given as an inmate.

Life carries you naturally as you bravely focus on being honest to who you are by tuning in to your intuition, trusting the universe to get you on your path to fulfill your life purposes.

This is how you grow up to your full potential and experience bliss.

You can listen to the soundtrack of this video from here.