How I Became A Qualified Psychologist and Family Therapist?
From Insecure Schoolgirl To Qualified Marriage Family Counselor
I was born Irem Soylu in Ankara, and my father’s side originated from Niğde in central Turkey, my mother’s side from Thesalonica.
When I was 16, or so, I thought that if I was true to myself and followed a path that felt right, life would unfold effortlessly and be an enjoyable journey. It was a controversial belief that represented the differences between my brother and me. He was adamant that one must make logical decisions based on what would bring the most financial success in life. I am going to share with you how my life evolved with my belief and how I became to be the happy, healthy and fulfilled person I am today.
Long Before I Knew Of Marriage Family Therapy
My parents argued as I grew up. I even remember asking them why they stayed together. Perhaps divorce could be the solution to the continuous tension and anger prevailing in the family? Their answer was most surprising. They said they really loved each other! How was this possible? Little did I realise my search for an answer to this question was going to lead me to become a psychologist and family therapist!
There was also a contradiction between what seemed to me their ‘flamboyant lifestyle’ and my father’s worries about the cash flow of his business. I was always modest in my approach to material things. Even though I was sent to a private school I was never interested in brand names. To this day I am known to be teased about my ignorance and lack of interest in status symbols.
Family Business
The family business was a firm my father became involved with following his brother’s death. My aunt, the owner, who lost a son and a husband at around the same time, and is a very strong business lady in her own right, was struck by grief, struggling to run a business as well as looking after her young daughter who was, like me, 8 years old. As a result my parents, my brother and I moved from Ankara to Istanbul, changing homes, schools, friends and many other things.
This was how I became involved in family businesses at first hand. I remember feeling fairly hopeless in my childish attempts to soothe the family worries. My father felt obliged to drag us all to my aunt’s apartment most evenings of the week. Was it to report his progress in the business or to support my aunt and cousin emotionally, I am not sure? These meetings used to be very tense. Finally my father managed to buy the business from her as the solution to this stressful partnership.
Becoming A Psychologist
I believe becoming a psychologist was my way of coping with my dysfunctional family and the sense of helplessness I was experiencing as a child. The motivation on my part to understand and to help my parents was great.
School was like a refuge for me. The rules were clear, studying was rewarding. I was above average in my abilities and, managed to go to a french school before studying psychology in Bosphorus University. I wanted to be able to speak English as well as French, so I went to England for 4 months when I was 18. I toured Europe on trains when I was 19. I also became a professional tourist guide in two languages when I was 20 in order to help my way through college.
Studying For A Psychology Degree
Unfortunately I have never been impressed with the classical approaches to understanding human beings taught at school. They look at the individual, missing the interconnectedness of relationships and life. I felt my life and perceptions were not simply the result of my own psyche. My father was not the only participant in his distress. Everything happened in a context that involved other people with other stories. There are life events such as marriage, death, accidents, illness, migration, birth, financial crisis, wars, etc. that all play their part in forming our relationships with others and the world.
Family Therapist And Relationship Counseling
When I came across the systems approach and family therapy I was really excited. There I found the theory that explained how all these events and people come together and create something larger and unpredictable. I learned that families become dysfunctional because the way they adapt to life’s natural events is problematic. I also learned that family members develop beliefs that are not useful, then transfer them from one generation to another even if they are not necessary anymore.
The final year of my undergraduate studies was a turning point. I could not be a guide and a therapist at the same time and be good at both; so I focused my efforts on becoming a family therapist. I assisted leading professionals in the field, and self studied a lot. I even engaged my family to receive therapy from one of my teachers. This shook all the patterns, creating all sorts of upheaval and emotions. That is what happens in family therapy; the old cannot continue and the new has to rise.
Master of Science Degree From London University’s Institute of Psychiatry
When I was accepted for the Master of Science in family therapy in London University’s Institute of Psychiatry I was delighted. Although the Institute is a, somewhat, bleak and forebading building dating from the 1960’s it houses some of the best minds and experts in the world. There I learned family therapy theory in depth, practiced in London hospitals and also met my husband and life partner Stephen.
A Mixed Marriage With Cultural Differences
Our journey together took us to Dorset, in England where we were looking after his elderly parents as well as establishing a new business. We both suffered but enjoyed all the consequences of marrying someone from a different culture. The negative projections of the families brought us even closer. We focused on the diversity and richness of our cultures, created our own values.
Another transforming life event happened in 1998 when my parents had a car accident and my father was killed leaving my mother seriously injured. On top of that there was the major earthquake the following year; Stephen and I decided to move to Istanbul to be available to help in Turkey. Between 2000 and 2004 we taught family therapy to few hundred professionals, consulted and practiced in charities and private centers.
The birth of our daughter at the end of 2003 led us to semi-retire from the busy life in Istanbul to Turunç, a small town on the Mediterranean coast of Turkey. When we moved here we have focused on bringing her up personally, in nature, trying to give her a very good start in life, with the ability to form her own values. When I was growing up my mother, who proved to be one of the most remarkable housewives I ever met, used to tell me that I could be a clinician, a teacher, a mother, and a wife all at the same time and do all of them well. I used to feel pressured to fulfill this dream of hers, but she was right!
On-line Therapy
When our daughter started the local school, I was able to use my professional skills for the community. I was giving seminars for parents and teachers, but I still struggled to find a solution to providing a service and sharing my skills both with students as well as people experiencing difficulties in their lives.
Finally a solution came organically when some of my students started using Skype and e-mail as ways of receiving knowledge and support. Fairly rapidly people started to approach me for on-line therapy, and so ı started offering that service as a regular business.
Since then my business grew so much that we had to move to a larger location in Gökova, about an hour away from Turunç.
Online Psychological Therapy
Looking back at how far my belief about leading an ethically based life, and following the path that felt right rather than the logical one brought me, I find that I am the most contented person I know in the family. Indeed it is hard to find anyone who feels as fulfilled as me, regardless of life’s challenges. If my life carried on as it is it would be great. As for my brother after a long and successful commercial career he seems to have adopted some of my values too; he is now teaching sailing, which is his passion.
How lucky I was to have the right belief, the right attitude at the right time, and what a pleasure to be able to help others to make the right decisions for themselves!
If you think that I may be able to help you, either because you have issues with a family business, or because you have marital problems, or difficulties with children’s behavior, then please contact me on my mobile.
I will offer you an online 15 minute consultation completely free of charge. This will enable us both to decide if my service can help you in your situation. You have nothing to loose.
