How To Live A Guilt Free Life

 

Guilt in its extreme form is one of the most self destructive states you can experience.  Many of us are conditioned to feel selfish, guilty and ashamed if we think of our personal wellbeing and do things that we know will make us happier. My subject this week is how we come to experience this guilt and how, instead, you can enjoy your unique life in a guilt free way.

Cycle of Guilt

Guilt is triggered when you feel judged by somebody else and you want to conform to be loved and accepted. You came to believe you hurt someone and you can repair the damage by paying the price. Of course, you weren’t born like this. Others, such as parents and teachers, taught you ‘right’ from ‘wrong’. The self destructive quality of guilt comes from seeking redemption by making yourself miserable. This inner conflict is a lost battle. Not only does it cause you to suffer, it also spreads the pain to others as you bask in your guilt causing yourself to be accident prone, moody, or inefficient.

Resented Self Sacrifice and Unresolved Trauma Lead To Teaching Your Children How To Feel Guilt

Life sometimes brings us conditions we seem to have not chosen and have little control over. My friend had an impoverished childhood and managed to graduate as a doctor with extreme effort. She also worked long hours in order to provide better conditions for her children. Her kids have become lovely, healthy 21st century youth, focusing on their friends and their careers.

My friend perceives their healthy development as selfishness and feels betrayed by them. Her words give us a clue into how kids learn guilt:

”I have done so much for you, so much more than my parents did for me, and this is what I get? I am very disappointed with you.’

But her kids simply learned to neglect themselves, lose touch with their feelings, fail to meet their needs and develop obsessions, depression and other psychological problems.

Guilt Transmits From One Generation To Another

Prof Dr. Doğan Cüceloğlu mentions a mother in one of his books. He was taking a 5 year old relative to a park when she brought her little son to tears by saying:

‘I know you will leave me when you grow up. You will marry someone and go and leave me alone.’

The more the little boy tries unsuccessfully to reassure his mother the more convinced she seems to be that she is right. When he starts crying his mother winks at the author.

This mother is attempting to manipulate the future so that her son chooses a life close to her. Many men who had this sort of upbringing are unable to commit to a relationship with a women who will rival their attachment to their own mothers . If they do succeed, their partner is made to feel that they always come after their mother-in-law. In this way men, even when they become fathers, continue prioritising their own mothers overtly to reassure her that she comes first at the expense of the wife and kids. This is how they unconsciously avoid feeling guilty.

Unfortunately in these families family members experience a lot of problems of self worth, self confidence, anger and resulting mental illnesses such as eating disorders, phobias, panic attacks, etc. They also feel guilty for the unhealthy ways they express their need for their father’s love and attention. They end up thinking that the reason why their father does not prioritise them is because they do not deserve it.

In order to raise healthy kids as parents we need to love unconditionally without expectation of any return. To do otherwise is to put tight collars around our kids’ necks and attach them to us. This sews seeds of all sorts of personal and relationship difficulties for them and further generations to come.

Guilt Free Life Is Possible

The first principle you need to adopt is to recognise the cycles of guilt you have been a victim of as well as the ones you co-create with others. Say no whenever you feel the urge to act to avoid or repair the sense of guilt.

Here are some powerful ways you can replace the cycles of guilt in your life with constructive, life enhancing habits:

• Notice your judgments each and every time they arise and release them. Accept yourself and others for who you are with your imperfections. Judging is the root of the cycle of guilt.
• Remember always there is no right or wrong, good or bad but things to learn from.
• Focus on your real feelings and needs. Accept, attend and honour each of them.
• Make sure your actions are based on your real needs rather than in response to conditioned cycles of guilt.
• When you have done or said something you regret take responsibility, own up to it, really apologise from your heart, stop doing it. And MOVE ON.

You can only live a real life when you act from your heart, when you mature into a guilt free way of existence. This is also how you start living heaven on earth.

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)image:LMAP