[Marriage Problems] Dealing with in-laws
If you are experiencing problems related to your respective family of origins in your marriage you are not alone.
It’s very common for newly weds to experience problems with their parents, or in-laws. Sometimes brothers and sisters contribute too by offering unwanted advice and opinions contributing to family gossip. Later, when a couple have children problems with relatives can return, or even flare up for the first time.
Being able to relate to the members of the extended family in a way that is acceptable and satisfactory for you and your partner is essential for a happy marriage. In this article I am telling you how you can achieve this.
The first year of marriages is often difficult. This is because your identity as a married couple is new. You both need to achieve the transition from being an individual member of your extended families, with the expectations that entails, to being seen as belonging to a couple with the ability to develop your own family values.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Clarify your own values as a couple and remain consistent to these when communicating with your extended family. Your parents, siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts will want you to adopt their values rather than the ones you need to develop with your partner. Beware! Focus on how you as a couple would like to do things and not on how your extended family would like you to conform. Remember as a young couple you are the future, and whilst listening to those more experienced in life can be helpful you are best advised only to follow those who are both happy and successful.
2. Solve your difficulties between each other. Often well meaning third parties, such as family and friends, make the situation worse. This is because they have some kind of investment in you being a certain way. If you are stuck, invest in marital therapy rather than involving other family members. Because once either your partner’s family, or yours, have taken a position with respect to your difficulties your marriage is in great danger. A brother, or sister can easily complicate matters. They may tell of your difficulties to your friends, or other family members, with whom you would not want to share information about your relationship. Moreover if you have complained about your partner to a sibling, and then subsequently make up, your brother or sister may remain unsympathetic to your spouse or even accuse you of being a fool.
3. Decide together the frequency for the family visits. The transition for your families from seeing you as their child to accepting you as a married individual may be difficult. Many families have hard time trusting new comers. If this is true for your family your attitude and commitment to your partner will help them to adjust quickly.
Share all concerns about members of your extended family with each other and speak as one voice with family members who are problematic. If there are bullies in your family you may need to show your strength both as an individual and as a couple in order to deter them. There are times you need to be firm to be nice.
Do what you can to have separate accounts from your extended family. Many families use money to control its members in an unhealthy way. It is better to have a modest life if the price of money is too high. Family businesses can be great to generate financial success with the commitment of its family members; however make arrangements beforehand to make sure you are not compromised in a way that does not suit you and your partner.
You are either committed to each other or your family of origin and friends. Prioritizing your loyalty to your partner above others is the key to a happy marriage that will last a lifetime and more.
