Conflicts Between Siblings and Solutions
Recently I have been supervising a group of bright family counsellors from different regions of Turkey. It is such a pleasure to be able to refer some of my clients to them! I have invited the group to contribute to this page with their own articles. Arzu Sevgi who lives in Mersin is very talented and commited. She complimented her career in nursing with training in family counselling. Using her experiences as a mother of two she has written about how to handle conflicts between siblings.
Conflicts between siblings are among the difficulties we face as parents. When we have two or more children, conflicts may arise between them for various reasons from sharing a toy to differences of opinion. What one of them wants the other will refuse, or each will try to prove that they are right and the situation may end up in a messy puzzle. So how can we, grownups handle these conflicts?
When it comes to conflicts between siblings it’s unfair to expect your older children humor their younger siblings and be more indulgent toward your younger children. Remember that they are all your children even though their age may be different.
You Are Not Helpless in the Face of Conflicts Between Siblings
Even if onflicts between conflicts between siblings may be difficult to handle for you as parents they are beneficial for your children’s development. Here are some tips to help you manage conflicts between siblings:
1- Make sure you treat your children equally while tending to their needs. Treating them equally while shopping for clothes and school supplies, cooking for them or showing your love will prevent jealousy between them. Keep equality in mind even when praising or showing your appreciation.
2- When there is a conflict between them identify the problem and have them express their thoughts and feelings about it. Try to remain calm and consistent.
3- Ask them to think about their own responsibility in the situation instead of blaming one another.
4- Try and instil concepts such as sharing, tolerance, and respect in your children from early ages. Show them how happy it makes you when they observe these principles.
5- Teach your children to use “I-language” instead of “you-language. For instance, when your child says “You are not playing by the rules” to their sibling, teach them to say “I find it unfair when you don’t play by the rules” instead.
6- Mind your words, your tone of voice and your communication style within the family. Remember, the children are like a mirror that reflects us. Review your problem solving skills.
7- Whatever it is they cannot agree upon, emphasise that what matters is not to identify who is right and who is wrong but to find a fair solution.
8- If they are really angry with one another separate them for a while to allow them to calm down.
9- It’s unfair to demand that your older children humour their younger siblings and to be more indulgent toward your younger children. Remember that they are all your children even though their age may be different.
10- Do not intervene immediately every time they have a problem, give them a chance to try and solve it among themselves; this will allow them to develop conflict resolution skills. Keep a watchful eye upon them though so as not to allow them to hurt one another.
11- Tell them stories of yourself and your siblings, give them examples from your childhood.
12- Help them discover the joy of having siblings and tell them how special and valuable is the time that they get to spend together under the same roof.
Let me contribute to Arzu’s wise advice by sharing the fact that a crack between the parents will cause a chasm between the siblings. That is, the more you reflect your problems as a couple upon your children, the worse their sibling relationships may be.
