Are You Unwillingly Single?

True love is enlightenment and is an exception rather than the rule. One of the toughest problems I come across is lack of self love. Even though there are many manifestations of a person who is unable to love I am focusing on men and women who are unwillingly single.

Destructive Patterns of Self-Care of The Unwillingly Single

Unwillingly single people claim what they desperately want is to be in a loving partnership. However the kindness, affection, respect, sensitive attunement and shared companionship that come with a truly loving relationship can create so much anxiety that they avoid intimacy by putting up imaginary walls.

The avoidance of intimacy is usually associated with a coping mechanism learned during childhood. If you were raised by caretakers who were emotionally unavailable, you feel alone and learn to look after yourself in such a way that you distrust affection. You may feel suspicious of people who show interest in you and push them away, often without even realizing you are doing so.

Closeness activates unconscious fears of rejection and potential loss. We wanted to be loved by our parents and had to compensate for their limitations by becoming self-sufficient early in life but the cost is we tend to recreate the dynamics of our past by being unable to survive in a trusting relationship. We complain and feel frustrated about it. At a deep level, however, we just cannot take the risk of being vulnerable. Being emotionally open fills us with fear and we constantly seek signs of rejection. This is how, our once useful early self-parenting, makes us unable to form meaningful attachments in later life.

Fears of intimacy are not just the problem of unwillingly single. Many couple problems are rooted in this as well. We seek out relationships that reinforce the negative image of ourselves and replay negative aspects of our childhoods. Closeness can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort, and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment than the one we are used to. Even if it is painful it is also more comfortable and familiar.

How To Overcome The Fear Of Intimacy

It’s important to recognize and change the patterns that hold us back from getting what we want. Here are some suggestions:. for the unwillingly single

Acquire trusted mentors, therapists, spiritual guides and friends supporting you in your self-exploration. This will allow you to strengthen your sense of self and enable you to take risks of intimacy with them, then with others.

1. Aim to nourish your intimacy with yourself. You can do this by getting in touch with your emotions.
2. Focus on understanding and listening to yourself. There is no need to defend anything.
3. Make sure your vocabulary is free from complaints and judgments.
4. Open your heart to allow yourself and others to be authentic.
5. Adopt qualities of mentally strong people.
6. Be very patient and compassionate with yourself.

These simple looking suggestions are not that easy. If you are unwillingly single yet resistant to them that’s just your defensive independent self putting yourself down saying you cannot do them. It can take years of self-exploration and risk taking to acknowledge and overcome debilitating, unconscious defenses that preclude love. But most of us can increase our capacity for both giving and accepting love.

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)image:Hamza Butt