How To Balance Partner And Family

I know many people  mostly men, but also women, who are unable to commit to their partner. Their fear is to be ‘taken over’ by him or her and lose their primary connection with their mothers.  This usually happens when as a child they have felt their fathers failed their mother either by not being present or by being very difficult. They witnessed their mothers’ suffering and decided to rescue her when they grew up. They take a decision to never disappoint their mothers, to always make them feel special like a queen, to always take care of them. Therefore they never develop the ability to balance partner and family.

This is a phantasy of being a better husband to their mothers than their fathers could have ever been.

You can observe a woman or a man secretly, or not so secretly, talking to their mother every day, at least 20min, whispering about this and that.  Eventually they start gossiping about their partner.The partner reacts as she feels totally left out from this intense mother and child bond.  Sometimes there is no regular conversation but regular visits.

The spouses come to resent each other. A kind of jealousy sets in and destroys their relationship. This, in turn, intensifies the bond with the mother who seems to support the partner as their marital relationship deteriorates.

The most important aspect of this enmeshed family organisation is that the partners and the kids do not feel valued. And the cycle continues with the next generation as the kids witness their parent not being treated fairly by their other parent.

Balancing The Divided Loyalties

Here is how you can break this cycle of triangulation between mothers and partners:

• Recognise that you are a child.  However much you try you can never be your mother’s ‘perfect husband’. Your mother is the adult. Let go of the privilege of being a parental child.
• However much she may appear needing you  more than as a child, clarify your boundaries and persist on your position.
• If your mother wants to keep you as her ‘partner’you need to be mature and not take up this invitation.Your primary responsibility is towards yourself and your new family.
• Your mother’s role is to support you in this role. Realise and communicate with her, that you and your new family are the future.
• Mothers can easily come between partners. Be aware of this danger and continue being attached to both of them. To one, as a child to the other one, as a partner.

If you are the partner of a person who are enmeshed with their mothers, to balance partner and family my suggestions would be as follows:

1. Never feel like a victim.
2. Be patient.
3. Provide your partner with educational material about how to bring up confident and healthy kids.
4. Express your needs and wishes without being critical.
5. Accept your partner without judging.Create a circle of friends and resources to balance and centre yourself.

Even though these suggestions may appear to some as simple, when you are dealing with childhood traumas that led you or your partner being over protective of your mother they are not so straightforward. If you, or your partner are enmeshed with your mothers, family therapists are the right professionals to help you.

Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)image:Scott Raymond